Before we dive in, I wanted to take a second to thank everybody who has signed up for Moronitude. With an extra special gooey thanks to those who purchased a subscription. You’ve all made my heart grow three sizes over the past week, which is not ideal because that is definitely a condition that warrants medical attention, but thank you nonetheless.
This Christmas was a strange one for me, as I imagine it was for just about every non-selfish and/or brain dead individual in this country. For the first time in my 40 years on this planet I didn’t wake up on Christmas morning in a home owned by my parents. It was a bit surreal, a bit sad, but mostly it felt like righteous sacrifice. I was doing this so that I could be back in that home in a future Christmas.
As Kim and I were left to our own devices for the first time, we had the ability to create our own traditions. On Christmas Eve we drew our inspiration from a craving Kim had burning deep inside for quite some time, a craving for Trader Joe’s frozen appetizers.
Specifically, we had puff pastry bites stuffed with feta and caramelized onions and the Pastry Pups—fancy Pigs in a Blanket. Kim also made a recipe my mother used to break out for parties called “dog food.” Dog food is ground beef, hot italian sausage and a giant rectangle of Velveeta mixed together, thrown onto some mini rye bread pieces and baked. It is undeniably the most ‘80s recipe of all time and it is AMAZING.
I’m not saying this to brag, but I have been to some pretty fancy restaurants back in the before times. I have spent way too much on dishes featuring exotic free range vegetables I couldn’t pronounce, the cheek of an animal I was unaware had cheeks and some sort of puree of pure ambition and peas. Always peas. But as enjoyable as fine dining can be, it doesn’t hit me in the way that some lowbrow classics do.
Granted, there may be a nostalgia factor contributing to my enjoyment here, but I think it’s more than that. There’s something about finding one or two ingredients that people seem to love (like processed cheese + ground beef) and just going for it without overthinking one iota. Almost all of the foods we cast aspersions towards for being lowbrow are also incredibly simple.
I’ve often discussed my love of lowbrow beers (more on that in a second) and how it goes completely against my taste in whiskey (gimme a dram of da fancy, fancy please). Today, we’re going to revel in the simple pleasures as I throw together a list of my Top Ten Lowbrow Delicacies.
10. Velveeta Shells & Cheese
Velveeta is weird. I mean, it’s a cheese that comes in both brick and pouch form, which is quite remarkable. But what is particularly strange about Velveeta is that it always tastes the same, yet sometimes it’s fantastic and other times it’s an abomination. I believe that when you keep things simple—like with the shells and cheese or the aforementioned dog food—things work out. When you try and get clever and put it in breakfast burritos, well, just use good cheese if you’re going that route. Still, tip of the hat to Velveeta.
9. Plain Lay’s Chips
We live in a golden era for chip technology. There are 50,000 different flavors of Lays alone, not to mention hundreds of different companies coming out with ethically sourced, exotic chip flavors. With few exceptions, they are all excellent. But I often have to return to the OG. Especially if you plan on crushing them up and throwing them in a sandwich. If you do not plan on doing this, I do not wish to be friends with you.
8. Brach’s Jelly Bird Eggs
Once upon a time, long before Ronald Regan introduced the world to trickle down economics (and Jelly Belly), jelly beans didn’t have flavors other than licorice and “the other colors”. Brach’s Jelly Bird Eggs are a throwback to those days, 97% of their taste is sugar and the rest may or may not just be your brain making an association based on the color. I once paid $18 for one bag of these because I’m a moron who didn’t get his fill during the Easter season, thus elevating this lowbrow food to highbrow prices, even if only for a moment.
7. Processed American Cheese Slices
Every cheeseburger you have ever loved had one of these on it. You like to think that when you get upcharged for cheddar or Alpine Swiss that you’re going to enjoy it more, but no, you’re not. The processed American cheese slice has been doing yeoman’s work for your palate for decades. They’re amazing on a burger, great in a sando and killer for a “I’ve stared into this fridge for 9 minutes and I can’t find anything better” snack.
6. All Mixed Drinks Should Be Well
I’m not talking about cocktails here, I’m talking about mixed drinks. You’re putting coke into whiskey? Don’t you dare mix it with something quality like Maker’s Mark. Now, I know this sounds like I’m coming at it from a snobbish point of view, but au contraire my friend (a phrase often associated with non-snobs), I’m saying this in a celebration of cheap-ass booze. Heaven Hill, the well whiskey at my local bar, mixes with coke infinitely better than a nice bourbon does. Fancy liquors—with the exception of vodka which you should never pay top-dollar for—are supposed to be complex in flavor. There’s too much going on in a high quality gin to water it down with $.99 for a liter tonic. Just savor the way cheap booze gets the job done in a mixed drink and skip trying to impress anybody by ordering Bombay Saphire, Burnett’s has got you covered.
5. Hot Dogs
Again, like I mentioned with American cheese, this is a simple case of people overthinking things. The hot dog is infinitely customizable, but that doesn’t mean you need to do that. The reason Chicago’s late Hot Doug’s was such a phenomenon wasn’t because they did crazy things with sausages and condiments, it was because they did everything so well. A basic dog with mustard and kraut at Hot Doug’s was heavenly. But there are so many places, including a particular establishment here in Jersey City whose name is much more apt than they intended, that believe you need to doctor the hell out of a dog to make it presentable. And in doing so, they completely lose the spirit of the dog.
4. Meatloaf
There is no more groan-inducing food in the mind of a child than meatloaf. But there is beauty to be found in the loaf. Made primarily with ingredients looked down upon by the culinary elites—hello ground beef and ketchup—meatloaf is often not just a comforting classic dish, but with the right seasonings, it can be quite complex and delicious.
3. Salted Peanuts in the Shell
My dad used to drag me to a bunch of bars when I was a kid. He could have a couple beers while I played some bar shuffleboard, so I rarely complained. Even as a child there was one thing that was clear to me—all the best bars had peanut shells on the floor. This is the same reason baseball games are so great, peanut shells all over the damn place. I will eat an entire bag of shelled peanuts once it is given to me, the size of the bag does not matter. I will not stop until all nuts have been consumed and there is a pile of shells up to my ankles.
2. Frito Pie/Walking Taco/Etc.
Step 1. Open bag of Fritos
Step 2. Dump in a bunch of pump cheese, ground beef, shredded lettuce if you’re feeling fancy
Step 3. Walk around town enjoying the hell out of it
1. PBR/Hamm’s/Stroh’s/Rainier/Olympia/Old Style Are GOOOOOD
There is nothing wrong with a crisp, clear, flavorful lager and I’m getting sick to death of arguing this point with people. What the major brands (Budweiser/Miller) get wrong is the focus on making their beer as flavorless as possible so that it’s palatable to everybody. The third tier of beers that were looked down upon even before craft beer became a thing all stick out because they have quirks in their flavor. But these are quality beers, dammit. I’d rather any of those above than a Budweiser. Or a Heineken. Or a Stella Artois. But, then again, I’d rather a Shlitz Blue Bull Malt Liquor over Stella, but you get the point. These beers are old, they’re uncool, they’re what your grandfather drank. Go out and treat yourself to a six pack for under six bucks and you’ll understand what I’m saying.
Weekly Song to Rock Out To
Sweat by Teenage Halloween
Just last week I said that I wouldn’t be featuring new music, but here I am already making an exception. I discovered Teenage Halloween about three weeks ago thanks to one of those year end album roundups, I think it was in Brooklyn Vegan but I don’t remember. The point is, all I saw was the name of the band and the album cover and that was enough to make me give them a listen. It turns out they’re localish (from New Jersey) and now I’m angry that none of my cooler friends turned me on to them. I’ve been listening to this album incessantly for the last couple of weeks, it’s everything I want out of a pop punk record. Give ‘em a listen!
Charlie’s History Corner
Phil Sheridan
I wanted to start off describing who Phil Sheridan was, but, like with so many things, Abraham Lincoln said it better than I ever could. “A brown, chunky little chap, with a long body, short legs, not enough neck to hang him, and such long arms that if his ankles itch he can scratch them without stooping."
Good god, now there is a description that paints a very vivid, albeit unflattering, image of Sheridan. And honestly, that’s pretty much the best way to remember the diminutive general. He did some brilliant things during the Civil War, some atrocious things to Native Americans and some unexpected things in the fight for a certain National Park.
I had known Sheridan’s name from learning about the Civil War in school, albeit with only passing knowledge of the man. Then in 2000, I moved to the city of Chicago, a mere block away from the Sheridan Red Line stop. One of my favorite dive bars, Wrigleyville North, was on the corner of Sheridan Road and Sheridan Road (it’s one of the very few roads in Chicago that makes a right turn). It was time I learned a little about Little Phil.
He made his name fighting for Grant in the Civil War. As a cavalry general he was in many ways the Union counterpart to J.E.B. Stuart, except his arrogance didn’t cost his side the most important battle of the war. Whereas Stuart was known for the raids he made, early on in his career Sheridan was known for staying put. In many battles, Stones River behind the most prominent, Sheridan’s refusal to give up his position saved the Union army on multiple occasions.
As Grant was seeking to wrap up the war, he split his army into three parts. Most of us know that Grant took his chunk of army and followed General Lee around as he attempted to take Richmond. William Tecumseh Sherman was sent to Atlanta to set a minor conflagration that spread to pretty much the entire state of Georgia.
The third chunk of the army, the one most often overlooked, was led by Sheridan as he ran roughshod through the Shenandoah Valley. Sheridan had two jobs to do. His primary job was to keep Jubal Early’s Confederate army from invading the north. His secondary job, the one that he truly excelled at, was to deplete the entire Shenandoah Valley from resources. To steal or destroy any food or supplies that could be used by the Confederacy to prolong the war effort.
His tactics were referred to by southerners as “The Burning.” In many ways he was doing what Sherman would become famous for a few months prior to Sherman making his March to the Sea. Sheridan was the Pixies to Sherman’s Nirvana. Just putting in solid work under the radar and setting up the other to succeed.
Sheridan was an essential piece in Grant’s plans to win the war, but he was even more essential in holding together reconstruction in its earliest days. As the appointed military governor of Texas and Louisiana, Sheridan did what he could to hold on to order. He made sure that former slaves were able to vote and when violence occurred towards African Americans in the form of race riots, Sheridan punished the perpetrators severely. Which led to president Andrew Johnson eventually removing him from his position.
From there, Sheridan went to the plains to take part in various campaigns against Native Americans. He waged the same type of war he learned in the Shenandoah Valley against the Cheyenne, Kiowa and Comanche tribes. By striking in winter and confiscating much of their stored food and all of their livestock, well, we know where this is going. Sheridan also looked the other way when white hunters trespassed on Indian land, slaughtering millions of bison. While there is some debate about whether or not the quote is accurate, Sheridan is believed to have said and popularized the term “The only good Indian is a dead Indian.”
Late in his life, Sheridan did something unexpected. After fighting voraciously to push all Native Americans into reservations and turning the other way to rampant hunting of the bison to the point of extinction, Sheridan turned towards conservation. Specifically, he advocated very strongly for Yellowstone National Park. When the Department of the Interior wanted to build a railroad through the park and sell of parcels of land, Sheridan fought hard for the park. The five-and-a-half-foot general took on railroad barons and corporate interests, lobbying hard for Yellowstone to receive federal funding. When that failed, well, he just sent in his troops to occupy the land.
Sheridan ordered the 1st U.S. Cavalry to occupy Yellowstone in 1888. The park would remain under military control until federal funding was finally provided in 1916.
There’s more than a little irony that a general whose greatest military victories all involved viciously razing and destroying the land he was occupying ended his public life by saving the nation’s most admired National Park.
And I never would have known this if I didn’t thoroughly enjoy putting down pitchers of Old Style on a winter’s evening, looking out the window to the corner of Sheridan and Sheridan, watching cars slide through the stop sign into a snowbank.
Things to Read
The weeks around Christmas are usually a pretty dead time for the media. But I did find a couple of things worth reading.
A look at Gallup, New Mexico, a town that has been hit remarkably hard by the coronavirus. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/27/business/economy/the-place-hit-hardest-by-the-virus.html?action=click&module=Top%20Stories&pgtype=Homepage
This is always one of the best articles of the year. https://defector.com/the-2020-haters-guide-to-the-williams-sonoma-catalog/
If you’re a fan of podcasts and specifically podcasts from the New York Times, you might want to give this a read. https://www.npr.org/2020/12/24/949906978/star-hosts-ties-cloud-n-y-times-effort-to-restore-trust-after-podcast-scandal
A check in on Charlie’s sports sanity
I clearly am not allowed to have two nice things at once. As the Bears are delivering one of the very few blow out victories they’ve graced me with, my Spurs are playing the most negative soccer I’ve ever seen as they piss away yet another victory. One of these days everything will align, right? RIGHT?!
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