BONUS: Robert E. Lee Walked Into a Porn Shop...
Oh good gawd! Is that bonus newsletter's music?!?!?!
Welcome to what may very well be Moronitude’s first ever bonus newsletter!
Does the phrase “bonus newsletter” mean that I’m trying to trick people into becoming paid subscribers so they can read a little extra fluff that I cut from the last newsletter? Maybe for some writers, but not for here, my friend. All it means is I had a really weird Robert E. Lee story that didn’t quite fit in with the tone of the last newsletter and I wanted to get it out there. But before we get into that, I wanted to take one last angry shot at the Historical Figures App.
Like most of today’s apps, Historical Figures is free to start using, but once you use up your initial 100 coins you’re going to have to start paying to play with it. In order to chat with some of the historical figures you’re going to have to pay 50 coins to unlock them. Unsurprisingly this applies to some of the most popular individuals. For example, Billy the Kid is the only freebie available if you’re hoping to ask all the historical figures what they thought about San Dimas. As I’ve been searching around there are two anomalies to this. One was very predictable, the other is weird as hell. Now, take one guess who you’re going to have to shell out 500 coins ($16) to chat with. I guarantee you’re going to guess correctly…
Fucking Hitler. If you want to hear Hitler try to explain that he didn’t hate Jews, he just thought the world would be better off without them, or whatever wishy-washy horseshit this trash app is going to spout off you need to pay a hefty price to do so. It’s so incredibly gross that they are making such a brazen cash grab here, and even grosser that I bet it’s going to work. People are going to shell out that money. It’s so disgusting. Let’s move on.
Let’s go back to that Bill and Ted reference I made earlier. If you wanted to speak to Joan of Arc to ask how her Jazzercise routine helped her skills on the battlefield it’s going to cost you a whopping 12,505 coins. That’s $500! Why?! It’s truly bizarre. I’ve been poking around this dumb app for far too long but as far as I can tell there are four price tiers:
Free
This gets you the likes of Lee, Billy the Kid, Kurt Vonnegut, Cleopatra, Janis Joplin, the first two False Dmitrys and a slew of others
50 Coins
Lincoln, Caesar, Marie Antoinette, Marie Curie, Magellan, Jesus and a bunch of other folks
500 Coins
Hitler
12,505 Coins
Joan of Arc
I hate this app so much, but I find the Joan of Arc thing to be delightfully bizarre. Moving on…
That One Time When Robert E. Lee Rented a Mountain of Porno
Those of you who know me closely know that I spent the bulk of my early twenties working at porn shop. We didn’t have toys or gross booths or anything, it was almost entirely rental video. Imagine a sleazy version of Blockbuster where you find a green-haired version of me sitting at the counter, drinking an Old Style wrapped in a page from the AVN catalog, listening to Snapcase and ready to get you the hell out of my presence as quickly as possible. Now that the scene is set, let me tell you about the computer system.
Each customer’s account had a section for notes. This is where we could keep track of how many times they were warned or fined for failure to rewind their tapes, the times they were fined for a “substance warning” (don’t ask) and how many tapes they’re allowed to rent at once among other things. The “other things” was where it would get fun.
When you have a bunch of young, creative and anarchistic folks employed at the same place, the notes section could get really weird. I used to keep a diary in one customer’s notes that we could go back and read and comment on. People were made fun of for reasons both cruel and hilarious. Odd exchanges were documented so other employees would know what to expect. It was through the customer notes that I first learned we had a customer by the name of Robert Edward Lee.
Another employee brought up the notes to show me when he learned I was a history major, and I had a great chuckle about what was to be found.
“Customer asked if he could have his $5 change in ones. Said he hated Lincoln too much to look at his face.”
“Customer threw down a $50 and started cussing at it. Something about how he should have whupped him at Appomattox…”
“WARNING! Keeps trying to pay in counterfeit dollars, they say ‘CSA’ on them.”
You get the gist of it. This is the part of the story where I have to concede that I yet to meet the gentleman. Until one fateful Friday afternoon when a slight Black man walked up to my counter with six new releases, eager to start his weekend with a bang.
“What’s your number?” I asked with a sigh, indicative of my extreme boredom. Working at a video store truly was the dream gig for a 22-year-old…
“773-555-555,” he said with the slight hint of a British accent.
I punch in the number and call up the account. I give a cursory glance at the screen and my jaw drops to the fucking floor. Robert E. Lee is standing right in front of me. And to my shock he’s not some hillbilly white guy. I have absolutely no chill whatsoever and, thankfully, he’s been through this 10,000 times before.
“Yup, that’s my name,” he says with no prompting.
“But, how, uh, how, well, you know, uh…” I stutter.
“I was born in England to Jamaican parents,” he laughed. “They just named me after my grandpa and thought nothing about it.”
And that was the first time I met Robert E. Lee. If memory serves me correctly, he was renting some Ed Powers films…
This has been a BONUS edition of Moronitude, thanks for reading.