Welcome to Moronitude! My original plan for this newsletter was to reflect on day 366 of the COVID-19 pandemic, but do we really want to read more about that? It’s been a year and we all feel it in our bones. I don’t feel the need to dwell on the subject that casts a shadow over every single aspect of my life, as least not this week. There isn’t really anything new to say other than “goddamn, it’s been a while.”
Instead, we’re going to the zoo. I have always loved going to the zoo. Some of my fondest memories and silliest stories come from trips to various zoos in different cities and different countries. Every trip I took as a child likely included a trip to the town’s local zoo and the local baseball stadium, if the team was in town. While the ballparks tended to be hit or miss—the Kingdome was every bit the dump you remember it being—I rarely went to a zoo that I didn’t love.
I do have some conflicting feelings about zoos. It can be sad to see beautiful creatures in captivity, but I bet the animals lower in the food chain are pretty stoked about the whole “no predators” situation. I understand the arguments on both sides here, but in the end, I’m a zoo person. And as such I have very strong feelings about which animals are worth watching and which ones should be completely avoided. We’re going to be going from worst to best here. I’m not going to cover every single animal at the zoo, just the classics you’d expect to see at any given zoo.
Let’s start off with my father’s very favorite zoo animal…
Musk Ox
My father is a strange man, so it’s pretty on brand that he has a strange favorite animal at the zoo. As far as I know he is the one and only person who gives a shit about “hoofstock” when at the zoo, and he certainly is the only person to care about musk ox. The musk ox were kept in the farthest corner of the San Francisco Zoo, the hometown zoo of my youth. And for good reason. I never once saw one of these animals even stand up, let alone do anything of interest. They just sat against the back of the enclosure with completely vacant looks, somehow more bored by their own existence than I was. I hate musk ox.
The Farm (as an adult)
Many zoos have a barnyard where they keep some standard issue farm animals. My feelings about the farm have changed wildly over the years, but as an adult this is clearly the least thrilling part of the zoo. Who cares about sheep? Who in their right mind wants to get near goats, the notorious assholes of the barnyard?
The Rhino
Yes, they look like dinosaurs and they have a totally rad horn. But here’s the thing, I’ve never once seen a rhino do anything besides throw some dust on itself. That’s it. I need more action than this before I anoint you a “must see” attraction. Rhinos are the Ryan Leaf of the zoo: so much potential, but in the end, they’re just disappointing. And some of them may have gone to prison for trying to steal prescription drugs...
Seagulls (among the people)
The San Francisco Zoo is right by the ocean. While this may sound ideal to those who have never been to San Francisco, here it guarantees two things. Firstly, it’s always going to be cold at the zoo, even in the summer. Secondly, there are going to be seagulls frickin’ everywhere. It doesn’t matter where you are, the slightly more attractive pigeons are a constant threat. As a child one of them stole a hot dog right out of the bun. They are assholes.
Seabirds (in an enclosure)
For the record, I do not mean penguins here. I mean an actual enclosure of seagulls, puffins and the like. They aren’t super interesting or overly attractive. They just kind of stand there. And they stink. My god, they smell terrible.
Zebras
They’re just striped horses. Yawn.
Gators/Crocodiles
If, and this is a huge if, you get to see these modern-day dinosaurs while they’re feeding, you can bump them up about ten slots here. Otherwise, watching them is a natural substitute for Ambien. “Is that a gator? Nope, just a log. Oh, there’s one. Is it alive? Maybe? Who knows…” *ten minutes later* “Oh, it finally blinked. I guess it is alive. Cool.”
Any Nocturnal Animals
Zoos aren’t known for being open late into the night, so chances are they’re all just going to be sleeping. Every one in a while you’ll find an enclosure that is attempting to simulate night, but for the most part, it doesn’t really seem to work either. This isn’t a musk ox situation in that these animals aren’t naturally horrible, they just keep different business hours than we do.
Lions
It’s a stunner to have the King of the Jungle this far down the list, I know. But did you know that lions spend 16-20 hours a day? If I wanted to watch some cats sleep I’d just scroll through Instagram, my friends post those pics all the time. Don’t waste your time with the lions.
Tigers
Same thing as lions, they just look cooler.
And now… intermission.
Weekly Song to Rock Out To
Scuffle Town by Avail
As we’ve been without live music for over a year now, a lot of people have been reminiscing about the last show they went to. Now, the last couple of shows I want to were relatively uneventful. They were great concerts, mind you, just nothing special. But then I was looking around on YouTube and I found a video from the last insanely sweaty concert I went to. While I can’t find myself on here (I think I’m slightly to the right of where the camera is), I remember every moment of this song. It was the last song of the night and the second the first chord was played the room erupted. I got knocked backwards and my glasses stayed in the same place. The entire world went into slow motion as my glasses remained floating in the air, two feet away from my face, for at least a couple seconds before my hand swiped out and grabbed them. This was, without a doubt, the greatest athletic achievement of my life.
I know I’m too old for the pit. I know that every time I venture into said pit I spend the next two weeks sore as hell. That being said, when we finally get to the point of having real shows—not outdoor festivals, not socially distanced shows with seats—I’m going to lose my damn mind. I want to look like this again: smiling ear-to-ear, completely exhausted and covered in sweat, most of which wasn’t even mine.
Gorillas
These big fellas don’t really do much but they’re still fascinating to me. They have no necks and their heads are massive. My sophomore year history teacher had the same build but he wasn’t quite as intelligent. It’s very funny when they roll around in the grass.
Leopards/Panthers
They’re still cats, so you know they’re going to be sleeping most of the time. But, on occasion, you get to watch as one of them stalks around. They’re so graceful and nimble, I adore them.
The Farm (as a child)
Put those pellets in my hand and I’m going to feed all of the sheep. Yes, a goat will inevitably try to butt every sheep out of the way, but I’m a pro at the petting zoo. My pellets only go where they are deserved. Sheep only. Goats suck.
The Reptile House
My mom used to volunteer at the reptile house, so I was definitely encouraged to be a fan as a child. And you know what? It worked. There are so many different snakes, toads, frogs, salamanders, lizards and others to enjoy. Yes, I know some of those are amphibians, but you get the point. Also, is there any animal that combines a dirty sounding name with their bizarre appearance better than a skink?
Other assorted apes
I find chimps/oranguatans/bonobos to all be pretty similar to each other. They’re fun to watch as they swing around. At the Lincoln Park Zoo they have a faux ant hill set up against the glass with some sort of non-ant treat inside, you get to watch the chimpanzees grab sticks and use them as tools to get the treats. I may have spent at least an hour watching this one day. Don’t judge me.
Penguins
Penguins are cool. They can’t fly, but they can swim. They really shouldn’t even be birds, but whatever. I once dated a young lady who was terrified of penguins, which still baffles me to this day. How can you be afraid of a penguin? Sure, they look absurd, but they are completely non threatening. I used to daydream about having a pet Emperor penguin after I learned they were about my height. We’d go on all sorts of adventures together, maybe we’d even solve some crimes. We’d have a sitcom called “Emperor and the Chaz” or something. It’d get canceled after two seasons but become beloved in the burgeoning DVD market. Penguins rule.
Giraffes
Remember when you were a kid and all of your Legos got mixed together, meaning it was always impossible to find the right piece, so you just threw in something that worked? That’s what giraffes are. They’re basically horses on stilts with four necks stacked on top of each other. And they have weird antennae-looking bumps on their heads. And massive, disgusting black tongues. Just a bunch of spare parts thrown together, but they make it work.
Hippos
When I was 10ish I was standing alongside my mother at the railing, watching the hippos. One of them got out of the water and was standing right on the shore, with its prodigious posterior about 15 feet away from us. Then the hippos started doing the funniest possible thing: it took a shit. But with one swift motion of its tail the story went from a comedy to a tragedy as the shit was flung out of the enclosure, hitting every single person standing along the railing. Yes, you read that correctly, a hippo threw its shit on me. It was too funny for me to harbor a grudge. Tip of that hat to you, hippo.
Ring Tailed Lemurs
For reasons that I don’t fully comprehend, I decided this was my favorite animal during the summer of 1992. That same summer we made a trip to Chicago, where I would visit the Lincoln Park Zoo for the first time. My Zoobooks let me know that the Lincoln Park Zoo had the largest collection of lemurs in the United States, so I was pumped. When we got to the zoo I wanted to head straight for the lemurs, but here’s the thing, there weren’t any lemurs. Just a big pile of dirt where there once was a lemur house and where there would be a future lemur house. But right then, in the summer of 1992, when I was absolutely geeking out to see some lemurs? No house. No lemurs. My dream of seeing a ring tailed lemur was shattered… for a couple of days. And then when we were in Lafayette, Indiana, for a family reunion we stopped at the piddling little “zoo” they had. And guess what, the Chicagoan lemurs were there. There was a little one that kept getting out of the cage and running around, always returning to the cage. Which didn’t seem like the most responsible zoo set up, but I guess they knew that there was nothing to do in Lafayette, so why would the lemur leave?
Bears
Bears rule. Everybody knows this.
Pandas
You ever see a panda in the snow?
Monkeys
Going to the zoo rarely gets any better than when the monkeys get a little rambunctious. I love watching them chase each other as they leap from one branch to another. It’s quite thrilling.
These two tortoises that one time
Tortoises are normally not a big draw for me. But then there was the time I saw some tortoises at the Bronx Zoo as they attempted to make more tortoises.
Tamarins
There is no better looking animal on the planet. I don’t know if I should cuddle with this little guy or fear him since he looks like a robber baron industrialist from the late 19th century.
Capybaras
Ever wondered what it would look like if a rat grew to the size of a biggish dog? Wonder no more and behold the capybara. I love watching these bozos scramble around. Sometimes pelicans try to eat them.
Elephants
Much like the giraffe, the elephant also feels like a bunch of spare parts thrown together. The difference with elephants is that they have trunks and trunks rule. Name another appendage that can be used to carry logs and spit water on people. You can’t, can you? Elephants rule.
Polar Bears
Polar bears are the best bears. There is no argument about this. They look regal, they can rip your face off and they swim like champs. I frickin’ love polar bears.
Siamangs
Most of the time you look at them, siamangs are normal old apes. But twice a day, once in the morning and once at dusk, they lose their damn minds. They start screaming and jumping all over the place. I did a big project in sixth grade where I sat at the siamang enclosure all day long and recorded their activities, including recording their calls. My friends found that tape in high school and made fun of me mercilessly. I wish I knew where it was now, but I don’t have a tape player, so I guess it wouldn’t really matter. Siamangs are the best animals at the zoo. Period.
That’s it! That’s the definitive ranking of zoo animals. Don’t see an animal on this list? Then that animal isn’t even worth consideration, but it’s still probably better than the musk ox. They’re the worst, the absolute bottom of the barrel.
Things to Read
These sea slugs can cut off their entire bodies, basically decapitating themselves. Then they grow a new body. It’s insane. I wish I could do this. https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2021/mar/08/keep-your-head-the-self-decapitating-sea-slugs-that-regrow-their-bodies-hearts-and-all
This is one of the most amazing stories I’ve ever read. Erwin Kreuz is my idol. https://www.sfgate.com/local/article/lost-tourist-who-thought-Bangor-was-San-Francisco-15940512.php?IPID=SFGate-HP-CP-Spotlight
I did my best to ignore all the hullabaloo with the royals last Sunday because, well, I believe the Bolsheviks had the right solution when it comes to monarchies. Then I saw this article going around. The lede is absolute fire: “Having a monarchy next door is a little like having a neighbour who’s really into clowns and has daubed their house with clown murals, displays clown dolls in each window and has an insatiable desire to hear about and discuss clown-related news stories. More specifically, for the Irish, it’s like having a neighbour who’s really into clowns and, also, your grandfather was murdered by a clown.” https://www.irishtimes.com/culture/tv-radio-web/harry-and-meghan-the-union-of-two-great-houses-the-windsors-and-the-celebrities-is-complete-1.4504502
Thank you for reading Moronitude. Tell your friends. We’ll be back again next week. We may be back in the mid week with a little something extra for the subscribers. Just sayin’. Stay safe out there.