Q: Are we not men? A: (According to My Targeted Ads) We Are Dog
It's Charlie vs. AI in a battle to the death!
Hello! Welcome to Moronitude! It’s been a spell but I’m still alive and kicking, even if my sporting interests make me wish I was happily oblivious six feet under the New Jersey dirt. Seriously, this may be the very worst single year of sports fandom I’ve ever endured, but more about that a little later. First off we’re going to be tackling the latest trigger to my ongoing existential crisis—targeted ads and scams.
Technology seems to always find a way to make our lives dumber under the guise of improvising it, doesn’t it? I know I’m far from the first person to make this argument. And yes, I recognize the irony, or possibly hypocrisy, of using a Substack newsletter to rail against technology. In an earlier era I’d likely be screaming my screeds through a rolled up newspaper on the street corner. Being a digital crank is much easier than the old fashioned way, if you ask me. But I digress…
When targeted ads were first coming out I remember being actually excited about it. I naively assumed that the web browser that was stealing all of my personal information would direct me towards advertisements I actually cared about. I wouldn’t have to see countless banner ads to watch “La Brea” or to buy protein shakes, but instead I’d only see ads for items I was interested in. I believed I was being sold an ideal shopping experience, as if I walked into a store called “Charlie’s Gifts.” It would be just like Spencer’s Gifts except with a little more ska and way more booze. Instead, this is what I get.
And this.
And this.
And this.
And this absolute abomination.
I really need to know what the end game is here. Almost all of these turned up on either my Twitter or Facebook accounts, which is where I assume they are stealing the info from. Hell, Facebook sold enough of my info that I’ve received multiple settlements I like to refer to as Zuck Bucks. One would think that all of the personal information I’ve served up to big tech on a shiny platter that they could figure out that I AM NOT A DOG.
My accounts are under my name, Charlie, which they clearly figured out. But at no point did they figure out that I'm a real life boy, not a mutt. Pawesome, the company responsible for this idiocy, clearly lets you change out the names before you purchase them (imagine if they didn’t, you’d spend days doom scrolling the site finding nothing but shirts for Bort), but you’d think just one time they’d let me be the human. If they were trying to flatter me into purchasing some items this would be the way to go. Calling me a French Bulldog with a brain that is both the size and capability of a wad of Big League Chew isn’t going to win me over.
Being burdened by targeted ads thinking I’m a dog is perhaps the most trivial burden I can imagine, but I think it’s telling of a more troubling trend. We seem to be in a rush to replace everything we can with some form of AI far before it’s remotely close to being ready. As a “journalist” this terrifies the hell out of me for obvious reasons. The millionaires and hedge funds that have swallowed up my industry look at AI and see another seemingly clever way to avoid paying workers and of course they’re going to jump at it, destroying what I once loved in a new way I honestly didn’t think I’d ever have to worry about.
If AI can’t put together that I am a human being named Charlie, how the hell do you expect it to accurately report the news? Or help diagnose patients? Or drive a car? I’m no luddite, mind you, I think AI could do some really interesting things in the near future. But the immediate rush to replace people with computers that is happening across almost every industry is disgusting and troubling. Every time I see some new application of AI there’s a part of me that screams out, “Haven’t you idiot’s seen a single science fiction movie? Why do you want to build SkyNet when we know it will become self aware?!” or some other pithy response. I know I’m at least partially joking when I do that, but when I start to consider what the embrace of AI has already done to workers it’s not so funny any longer. This is late stage capitalism at its most repulsive. It’s replacing workers made of flesh and blood with computers who can’t do the job anywhere as well for a fraction of the cost and wrapping it up in a shiny technology veneer that makes rubes praise our bold, exciting future.
Musical Interlude
One of the weird things about getting married at a music venue is going back there for concerts. Watching Damian Abraham of Fucked Up scream and growl from the exact same spot where I said my vows scrambled my brain. It’s just a very odd experience that I know I’ll have different variations of for as long as I go to shows at White Eagle Hall. And not to bury the lede, but Fucked up are one of the most astounding live bands in existence and their new album rips.
The A’s Leaving Oakland Breaks My Heart by ChatGPT
Earlier I referenced that this may very well be the worst year I’ve had as a sports fan. The Chicago Bears put up the worst record in their history. Tottenham find new ways to inflict misery upon me each week. The Red Sox are mired in bad ownership and stuck in last place. The Chicago Blackhawks are in the same place but with far worse ownership as they decided to add the cover up of a sexual assault to their infuriating ineptitude. The lone bright spot, Purdue basketball, decided to lose in history-making form for the second consecutive year to a team based in New Jersey. SIGH.
And then you have the Oakland A’s. A team whose owner watched “Major League” and thought, “Hell yeah, this owner knows what she’s doing, let’s give it a go.” I grew up going to the Colosseum and watching Rickey Henderson, Mark McGwire, Jose Canseco, Dave Stewart, Dennis Eckersley and many others dominate the American League. I was also there to watch dudes like Scott Brosius, Luis Polonia and Geronimo Berroa… but those aren’t the days I want to remember.
I’ll always have a tremendous soft spot for the Oakland A’s and it breaks my heart that they are leaving town. Watching Oakland lose all three of their teams in five years is so disheartening. I get especially salty about the Warriors leaving for San Francisco after the rich folks across the bay never gave a single shit about them until they started winning championships, but on an emotional level nothing will compare to the A’s leaving for me. And it’s all because a billionaire thinks it's his birthright to have a new stadium given to him by the taxpayers. It’s disgusting and despicable.
To give this newsletter a cohesive theme throughout, I decided to ask ChatGPT to write about the A’s leaving town. Moronitude is available for all to read on Substack, so the ChatGPT bots are able to scrub it for information. The question is, could the AI replicate my own writing and thinking on the subject.
Here was the prompt: Write an article about the heartbreaking move by the Oakland A’s to move to Las Vegas in the style of Moronitude.
Here’s what it came up with:
Hey there, sports fans! [Not exactly the tone I would have gone with]
Big news in the world of baseball - the Oakland A's are reportedly considering a move to Las Vegas! That's right, the team could be leaving their home in California for the bright lights of Sin City.
Now, some folks might be scratching their heads and wondering why a team would leave a place like Oakland. After all, it's a beautiful city with plenty of loyal fans. But those people are missing the bigger picture. [I do not like where this is headed…]
First of all, have you ever been to Las Vegas? It's amazing! [Dammit. Guess we’re going to go a different direction here] You've got casinos, shows, and all sorts of crazy stuff. Who wouldn't want to live there? [Me] And let's be real, the A's could probably use a change of scenery. [This is like dumping a ton of salt into a gaping wound.] They've been in Oakland for over 50 years - that's a long time to be stuck in one place. [History means something! Especially to baseball fans. The Yankees are spending an entire year celebrating the 100th birthday of a stadium they tore down to build a shopping mall… on second hand, that might not be the best way to make this point]
Plus, think of all the new fans the A's could pick up in Vegas. [I don’t really care to right now] Sure, there might be a lot of tourists, but there are also plenty of locals who would love to support a new team. [You sure about that? Look at the insane amount of visiting fans at every Raiders game] And let's not forget about all the sports bettors who would be placing their wagers on the A's every week. That's gotta be good for business, right? [If one bet the A’s to win every game so far this season they would be bankrupt]
Now, I know some people are worried about the logistics of moving a team across the country. [No. Nobody gives a single shit about how difficult it will be to make the physical moon] But come on, it's not like they're moving to the moon. [At least not until Elon buys the team from John Fisher] They can hop on a plane and be in Vegas in a few hours. And I'm sure the players would love the excuse to take a little vacation in Vegas every now and then. [This is also the PR team’s greatest nightmare]
So there you have it, folks. The Oakland A's might be headed to Las Vegas, and honestly, it sounds like a pretty good idea to me. [This article was supposed to be about the HEARTBREAKING LOSS of the A’s, not the bargaining stage of grief] Sure, we'll miss them in Oakland, but think of all the fun they'll have in their new home. I, for one, can't wait to see what kind of shenanigans they get up to in Sin City. [I hope someone pours a gallon of water directly on the computer who wrote this]
This has been Moronitude. I’ll be here for as long as my computer overlords allow…